


Sirius Black and the Half-Blood Never-Nude

by Gunderpants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crack Treated Seriously, Denim, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Never Nudes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 15:25:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2626670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gunderpants/pseuds/Gunderpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black learns that the repercussions of bullying Snape as a teenager linger on, and he makes an attempt at righting past wrongs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sirius Black and the Half-Blood Never-Nude

**Author's Note:**

> The Wayback Machine giveth. I totally forgot I had written this fic, but upon finding it I have realised how much I enjoyed writing humour.
> 
> Knowing 'Arrested Development' is unnecessary for the enjoyment of this story, but it wouldn't hurt.

***

 

It stands to reason that two intelligent adult men might get bored during lengthy and often irrelevant Secret Society meetings, and it also stands to reason that two of the creators of the Marauders Map might come up with surreptitious means of staving away boredom during aforementioned meetings.

 _Only got a pair of twos,_ Sirius Black thought to himself as he looked at the tidy pile of cards hidden in his lap.

 _You're lying through your back teeth,_ thought Remus Lupin right back to him. _That's three of jack. Don't think you can out-bluff me._

 _Still better than your lousy pair of fours,_ Sirius retorted, silently.

 _I'm sorry that you think that winning one hand negates all the other really bad hands you've had before,_ Remus thought, as he frowned dramatically.

"--of course, Lupin and Black - _who have been paying attention the whole time and not playing cards under the table-_ would know all about the situation in Bulgaria as we speak," boomed Alastor Moody, as he cast an angry eye over Remus and Sirius.

"Er... yeah. Bulgaria. Lovely in summer," Sirius muttered, quickly tucking his cards between his legs.

"I thought we had this discussion already," said Dumbledore. "No more 'invisible cards', no more 'invisible hangman'... I don't know how you two went about creating an entire 'invisible Monopoly board'--"

"We had to shrink it, sir, so it would fit on my lap," said Remus, looking almost proud of himself for a change.

"Shut up and pay attention during Order meetings, or we'll get the both of you spayed," snapped Moody.

Across the table, Severus Snape smirked, and Sirius would have liked nothing better than to land a good solid king-hit on the man. "Yes, sir," he said. 

Moody waited a moment, staring loathingly at Remus and Sirius, before he continued with the horrendously boring topic at hand: that of trying to locate the missing Karkaroff. This was a topic of no interest to either Sirius or Remus, given that Sirius was unable to leave the house or talk to anyone outside the Order to find him, and Remus just really didn't care enough either way now that he had the werewolves to deal with.

 _Invisible 'guess how many fingers I'm holding up'?_ thought Sirius.

 _Well, there's not really any point to it, is there?_ thought Remus right back at Sirius. _I'll be able to read your mind and there'll be no point in guessing._

_I have a die. Maybe I could roll it without looking at it, and whoever guesses right wins._

_Wins what?_

_I dunno. Dishes for a week._

_Done._

Sirius shook the die in his hand, and as he opened his fist the die slipped off and landed on the stone floor of the Grimmauld Place kitchen. He sat bolt still, wondering if anyone had heard it hit the floor, but fortunately most people were either listening to Moody, or were sufficiently stupefied from their daydreams. (Tonks and Mundungus hadn't even _bothered_ to make an effort staying awake, yet they never seemed to get in trouble for their behaviour during meetings. Likely because people were probably just impressed that the latter had turned up, and Sirius highly suspected that the former was just exercising her privileges as Moody's favourite.)

Sirius pushed his chair back. "Sorry," he said softly, as he tried to slip to the floor. "Dropped my quill."

Moody kept speaking whilst shooting Sirius a withering look. Sirius dropped to his knees and clambered around under the table, looking for his lost die.

You can learn a lot about people from being under a kitchen table and looking up their robes. As Sirius had learnt to his dismay many years ago, many wizards simply preferred to liberate their privates whilst under cloaks and robes. Those who'd been raised in mixed families, like Remus and Tonks, tended to wear trousers - or at the very least, underpants - and older wizards? Well, the less said there, the better.

He finally spotted the die sitting right between Severus Snape's feet, and bracing himself, Sirius inched forward to grab it when Snape shifted his posture, and his robes fell open.

Sirius honestly hadn't meant to look, per se - truthfully, he was so close, and he didn't really have the time to look away. But once the robes had fallen open, Sirius couldn't avert his eyes from what he saw beneath the robes. He stared for a moment in shock, forgetting the die, and after regaining composure pulled himself up quickly to sit back beside Remus.

_Where's the die?_

_Er... what? Oh. Never mind._

***

"Right, what on earth is going on?" said Remus, after everyone else had filtered out of the kitchen to go home after the meeting. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Sirius' arse stuck up in the air as he hunted through the sink cupboard for the Ogden's. "It was _horrible,_ Moony."

"Well, tell me what happened."

Sirius emerged from the cupboard with the bottle in hand. He sat down at the table, and uncorked the bottle slowly. "I saw up Snape's robes. It was--"

"Oh, _grow up._ You spent your formative years in a boarding school, if you're going to be silly about people's privates then--"

"Oh, he was clothed, all right," said Sirius, sculling the fire-whiskey. "If you want to call it that."

"Then what are you complaining about?"

"He was wearing... _shorts_."

"So? I'm wearing shorts."

"Not like underpants, Remus. I mean... like the shorts that Tonks wears."

Remus stared at Sirius, unable to comprehend. "You mean... cut-off Muggle jeans? You must be mistaken."

"I swear it on my mother's grave. Blue denim shorts. Tiny little things, too." Sirius shuddered. "And it's not even like he can pull it off, either, he's got these skinny pale legs that--"

"Enough," said Remus, sitting down across from Sirius. 

"Yeah, well, there's something off about it. What does it mean?"

"Er... he likes the shorts, I imagine."

"No, no," said Sirius, taking another swig. "It's off, I tell you. I mean, Ginny Weasley was wearing shorts like that during the school holidays."

"Maybe Snape stole them off Ginny," said Remus, hiding his sarcasm behind his typical mask of bland politeness.

"You're onto something there." Sirius stroked his chin. "Perhaps Harry might know best about this. I mean, he grew up with Muggles, maybe he can tell us about what kind of Muggle man wears these shorts."

"That's a really good idea," said Remus, his sarcasm not waning. "You should do that."

"Well, there's got to be someone who will know about this."

***

It took at least a week for Sirius' source of knowledge of all things short and denim to respond to him, in which time he and Remus had made the shocking discovery that Snape also _bathed_ whilst wearing his shorts.

"Here, listen," he said, striding into Remus' room with the letter in tow. "Ahem. _Dear Sirius and Lupin--_ "

"You didn't put _my_ name on that stupid letter, did you?"

"You said you thought it was a good idea."

"I was being-- forget it. What did she say?"

"I'm getting to it. _Dear Sirius and Lupin, your letter to me was as confusing as the subject matter was worrisome. Therefore I have no idea how to broach this subject. Might I suggest Ron's father, who has an unhealthy obsession with Muggle customs and who might actually know what you're talking about? From, Hermione Granger._ "

"Great. Now we've completely creeped her out as well," said Remus, frowning at Sirius. 

"Well, we had to find out somehow. But she is right, we should have just gone to see Arthur about this."

"You don't see anything particularly wrong with sharing Snape's personal problems with people at large, do you?"

"Not really, no. Arthur will be in for the meeting tonight, won't he?"

"Sirius," started Remus, as he pulled Sirius to sit down at his desk, "I honestly think that going along further with this line of inquiry might be a bad idea. Don't you think... don't you think that maybe it's our fault that Snape feels the need to wear these shorts everywhere? I mean, you did lift him up and show his underwear off to the world."

Sirius' heart sank. It was highly likely that he was at fault for Snape's current delicate mental condition. "Oh. Yeah. But still, we don't have to mention Snape's name to Arthur."

Remus pursed his lips - a tactic that Sirius had rarely seen employed by men. "Watch yourself, Sirius," he said, as he left his bedroom with an empty teacup in hand.

Sirius thought that this was stupid advice. He was always cautious about things - apart from when he fell through a window on the second floor whilst ridding a curtain of doxies. The point was, he shouldn't have to be warned all the time about opening his wide ugly trap, even when it was inappropriate to do so.

That's not to say that this warning was necessary, as Sirius somehow found himself saying "oy, Arthur, what would you think of a man who wore denim shorts every hour of the day" aloud in the kitchen without first stopping to gauge who was in the room.

Fortunately, not Snape, but Minerva McGonagall, Nymphadora Tonks, and Molly Weasley, in addition to Arthur. "Sirius, when I said there was a blanket ban on strippers in this house, I did mean that to imply _male_ strippers as well," said Minerva disapprovingly, as Sirius stood by with a flushed, embarrassed face.

"Great," muttered Tonks. "There go the plans for my birthday party, then."

"Be off, hags," said Sirius, dismissively brushing away Molly, Minerva and Tonks. "I need a word with Arthur."

"Lucky Arthur," smirked Molly, as she gathered up her knitting and left the table with Minerva and Tonks. 

Arthur looked a little harassed at the idea of having to help Sirius with such a delicate issue. "Er, listen, I don't know if I'm the one you'll want to talk to about this. I mean, I do know a lot about Muggles and all, but this is a fairly obscure branch of Muggle psychology, of which I only know little about."

"But surely you know something, right?"

Arthur blanched, and took a seat at the table, bracing himself. "Why do you need to know this?"

"Well, say a friend, for instance, started to wear shorts everywhere - even in the shower - is that a normal Muggle custom?"

"It's very rare," said Arthur, in hushed tones. "Never-nudes are rare, even for Muggles. I imagine that unless a wizard had some degree of Muggle blood in his family, it would be impossible to find one in the wizard community - or so you'd think." 

"But why do they do it? It's not... they're not growing a second trouser-slytherin or anything, are they?"

Shooting Sirius withering looks must have been the order of the day. "It's a shame thing," Arthur explained. "It's because they're afraid of being humiliated, or naked in front of others, or--"

"--or because other people have made them ashamed of their own bodies," said Sirius, as his guilt rose even further. "Oh, Arthur, what have I done?"

"Well," said Arthur, "I assume that this friend--"

"Oh, the hell with that. They're not actually a friend. In all honesty, they hate me more than anyone else does."

"Say no more," said Arthur. "I don't think I even want to know."

"But how would one go about curing... you know, that urge? I mean, surely it's not as simple as simply dacking them and yelling out 'surprise! you're not a never-nude anymore', is it?"

Arthur shook his head. "I imagine that this person is going to need some support and encouragement from those around him. However, given that I've pretty much guessed who you're talking about, I would probably suggest pretending that you never saw what you did."

"Shit," muttered Sirius. "I promised Remus that I wouldn't say who it was."

"Well, you didn't name names to me," said Arthur, as he stood to leave the room. "Good luck, whatever you do decide to do."

***

"You know, I honestly don't think you've given this matter the kind of thought or attention it requires," said Remus, as he watched Sirius cast a locking spell on all the doors and windows of the upstairs study.

"Remus, I'm starting to get a bit sick and tired of your negativity and lack of support," Sirius said, struggling with a heavy black curtain. "Here I am, trying to make Snape's life better, and you want to make him stay unhappy."

"I'm not saying that I want his life to be hell," said Remus. "I'm saying that it's probably going to backfire on you. Maybe Severus gets a great deal of comfort and security from wearing his shorts."

"Well, he shouldn't. We all have boybits - some moreso than others," Sirius said, not so subtly adjusting his trousers.

"I'm just saying," said Remus, "that maybe it would ignite old tensions if he found out that you still had a preoccupation with his smalls."

"Did you lay out the Snape-trap, like I asked you to?"

"Oh yeah, about that. Tonks says that she doesn't want to be photographed in the nude while she impersonates Lily. She also said something about you needing to 'die in a fire'. For the life of me I can't remember details, even though she was very specific about the topic--"

"Damn. Well, that failed then, didn't it?"

"Sirius, listen. I think the idea of wanting to have an intervention for Snape is a thoughtful and kind idea in theory. In theory. In practice? I really honestly think you should just give up on it."

"It's not like I'm going soft, or anything. I mean, Snape's still an idiot, and all, but doesn't every man deserve the right to not be embarrassed by his manly shame?"

"The fact you referred to it as 'manly shame' might go some way in explaining that," said Remus. "Whatever the case, I'm not getting involved in this."

"Come on, be a sport."

"No. If you want to be stupid, you can do it on your own. I have things I need to do."

"Fine. I don't care."

"Snape's going to hex you so hard you're going to need an arse transplant," said Remus.

"You're bringing negative vibes into the Intervention Room," Sirius said, bustling Remus out of the room. "Tell Snape that Dumbledore wants to talk to him up here, or something. He'll be here any minute."

"On the condition you promise to leave me everything in your will in the event of your untimely event."

"Come on, who else would I give it to?"

***

Severus Snape looked less than thrilled to find that Albus Dumbledore wasn't, in fact, wanting a word with him in the study upstairs. He looked even less thrilled to see who wanted that word with him.

"Snape. Take a seat," Sirius said, as he flicked the study door shut. "It's about time we had a word about something."

"Black, you are not going to waste my precious leisure hours unless you intend to reward me handsomely for it. I don't see that happening, so if you'll let me--"

"Listen, this is extremely important. Vitally. Life and death situation, you know."

Snape raised an eyebrow, and perched himself on the edge of an armchair as if to say _I shan't even give you the courtesy of sitting down properly to listen to you_. "Get on with it, then. The Order meeting will be starting soon."

Sirius sat himself down in a regal, if albeit dilapidated settee. "Right. Well. I thought I'd start by telling you what I don't like about you--"

"I'm leaving."

"All right, fine. I'll cut to the chase. I want to help you."

Snape eyed Sirius suspiciously. "Unless the next words out of your mouth are 'I've hurt so many people and I cannot live with myself', I can't see how you could help me in the slightest."

"I mean it, I'm really going to help you. You'll be a changed man after this, I promise."

Snape settled down into the chair properly. "I'll give you two minutes. You've already wasted forty seconds."

"Right. Look, I was down under the table last week during the meeting and I saw that you had denim shorts on under your robes--"

"Good bye."

"Wait, please!" Snape had already got up to get the hell out of the study, but Sirius grabbed at his robes. "You wear them while you bathe, and it's... _it's just not normal."_

"How dare you intrude on my privacy," Snape growled, as he ripped his robes from Sirius' grip. "I know I shouldn't be surprised at your complete lack of human decency and respect for boundaries, Black, but this is low even for you standards. I warn you: come closer than three feet again, and I can personally guarantee that the Black Family bloodline will end sooner than you'd prefer."

"You haven't let me finish," Sirius shouted, as Snape approached the door of the study. "I want to apologise for it. I mean, you feeling like you have to wear them, and everything."

"Reallly, I do not intend to discuss my private life with you."

"Please. I'm honestly sorry."

Snape frowned. "Are you actually apologising for your mistreatment of me?"

"Don't get me wrong, Snape, I still think you're the scum of the earth, but--"

"I'm going."

"Stop! What I meant to say was that no man should have to feel so ashamed of himself that he hides his private parts even from himself."

"Er... thanks," said Snape. "Can I go now?"

"I still want to show you one more thing." Sirius set his wand down on the armchair beside himself, and made to lift up his robes. "I just wanted you to know that I actually wore shorts like yours for the last few days, so I could understand what it felt like for you." With a flick of his wrists, Sirius lifted his robes high into the air. "See?"

"I want to go now."

"Come on, Snape. Before you go, I want you to embrace your inner-man." 

"Get lost, or I'll hex you into the wallpaper."

Sirius made to unbutton his shorts. "See? I'm not ashamed of myself, and neither should you be. Join me, Snape. It's really quite liberating--"

"Get away from me!"

It was at this point that not only did Snape make good on his threat to incorporate Sirius into the interior decorating, but that Nymphadora Tonks had been dispatched to see if either man had killed each other. By the time she opened the door, Sirius was lodged head-first into the wall, and Snape was brushing past her with a stormy look on his face.

Tonks stared for a minute or two, her face frozen in a look of unimpressed disdain. "Oh. So that's where my shorts went."

***

end


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